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Spotlight on Diversity in ABA: An Interview with Joshua Polanco

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A board certified behavior analyst (BCBA), managing technician, at LEARN’s Autism Spectrum Therapies (AST) in California’s Inland Empire region, Joshua Polanco provides supervision and behavioral intervention plans for clients in need of ABA services. He earned a master’s degree in psychology and ventured into ABA because he wanted to use that degree in a more direct and meaningful way. He’s also legally blind.

Here, he shares stories from his journey and experience working with children and young adults with autism—and his take on the importance of diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) in the field of applied behavior analysis (ABA).

 

Q: WHY DID YOU GET INTO ABA?

A: I was working as a behavioral technician and providing one-to-one services with multiple clients. I was about to quit after the first two weeks of working in the ABA setting because I did not have any experience with children with disabilities and felt like I was not helping my clients. Ironically, the clients and their families are what made me stay. To me, nothing can beat the sensation of knowing you have made a difference in someone’s life, and I have had so many fun experiences that helped me realize the importance of ABA, and how prevalent it is in our everyday lives. All of these experiences are what drove me to continue pursuing ABA to the position where I am now.

 

Q: WHAT DOES DIVERSITY, EQUITY, AND INCLUSION (DEI) MEAN TO YOU?

A: Everything. I feel these concepts as a whole are very overlooked at times. It’s not only important to have diversity, equity, and inclusion in the workplace but to also recognize the benefits provided when DEI is incorporated into a work environment. In my case, I may be legally blind, but that does not make me useless in a work environment that relies heavily on vision. I am able to continue to make an impact on peoples’ lives through my work and can actually provide a different perspective and understanding when helping clients or co-workers because of my loss of vision.

Q: IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE MOST CHALLENGING ASPECT OF WORKING IN A DIVERSE ENVIRONMENT?

A: Trying to comprehend various interactions that take place. Balancing the state of empathy and understanding, while simultaneously needing to support and accomplish work objectives that need to be achieved.

Q: WHAT IS YOUR APPROACH TO UNDERSTANDING THE PERSPECTIVES OF COLLEAGUES OR CLIENTS FROM DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS?

A: The short, easy answer is that I take a step back and just listen. Self-awareness and self-control over your own biases and habits go a long way. It’s important to me to recognize the limitations you have in the moment. For example, you may not always be able to truly understand the perspective of others. This is OK—we are only human. I feel like there are ways to still attempt to understand to some degree. Failure to truly understand someone should not give us permission to disregard their perspective.

I’ve relied, to some degree, on multiple psychology books, articles, and notes from when I obtained my master’s degree in psychology, with an emphasis in clinical counseling and marriage and family therapy. When communicating with colleagues and clients, I always try to review and remember the concepts I learned on the dynamics of communication, including those on cognitive distortions and positive feedback loops. Understanding these can play a huge role on how I understand and communicate during a conversation.

Q: WHY IS DEI IMPORTANT IN ABA?

A: Without DEI, we would be refusing to grow ABA as a whole. ABA is a science that expands to more than any one individual population. Part of everything we do is to help, expand, and make a difference in the world. What better way to accomplish this than to recognize the different things people have to contribute.

Q: TELL ME ABOUT A TIME WHEN YOU ADVOCATED FOR DIVERSITY AND INCLUSION IN THE WORKPLACE OR IN YOUR PERSONAL LIFE.

A: One poignant instance in which I had to advocate for myself is the moment I was officially diagnosed blind, and I had to reach out to the HR department to figure out some resolutions and next steps forward. Luckily, I was part of a supportive team and was able to continue doing the core work I was educated to do and hired for, with some slight accommodations and adjustments.

Q: WHAT’S SOMETHING MOST COLLEAGUES DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU?

A: I do not know how many people know that I am legally blind. My condition is called Retinitis Pigmentosa (RP). There is no treatment. With this condition, my vision will gradually worsen. There is no telling how much vision I will lose tomorrow…or over the next 30 years. I don’t only have to think about how this affects the work I do with clients but how I adjust my everyday life to prepare for this. Through my work with rehabilitation specialists, I am learning to use technology, to read braille, and even to cook without looking.

Q: ANYTHING ELSE YOU’D LIKE TO ADD?

A: I was diagnosed legally blind less than a year ago. In that time, I’ve taken and passed the BCBA exam, which was the first test I’ve ever had to study for and take without my vision, while finding ways to balance my work, as I learn a new lifestyle. I hope the message from all of this is one of inspiration—that no matter how bad things may seem, it’s important not to let the events around you, define you. Take control of the things you can, adapt, and persevere through the adversity. Because this is what we ask of our clients each day.

For more from our Spotlight on Diversity in ABA series, read “An Interview with Angela Parker.”

Why Adherence to Your Behavior Analyst’s Clinical Recommendation is Critical to Success

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Parents and caregivers will do just about anything to provide for their children’s needs and requirements.  Unfortunately, for those whose children require additional supports and services, this can feel nearly impossible. For parents and caregivers of children on the autism spectrum, who are already struggling to meet the demands of their schedules and responsibilities, the added time and energy required to support intensive weekly ABA therapy hours can be difficult and overwhelming. The result is quite often a compromise on therapy hours which can seriously impact the child’s progress.

 

What commonly occurs in autism services is parents will seek ABA therapy for their child, knowing that it is considered the gold standard for autism intervention with decades of research and evidence to support its efficacy. As part of this process, the ABA provider will observe and assess the child, as well as interview the family to determine their recommendation for weekly hours of ABA services based on the child’s needs, age, and other determining factors. What we commonly see, however, is families not making their children available for the recommended hours. While not being able to reach the clinically recommended hours is affected by multiple factors such as family schedules, staffing issues, sickness, weather and other extenuating factors, lack of access to the child often accounts for anywhere from 5-40% of weekly clinically recommended hours not occurring.

 

Families who do this are typically trying to compromise between their child’s needs and the demands of their other responsibilities—and managing and navigating the needs of a child with special needs alongside all the competing needs and requirements of daily life is challenging. However, if one looks at this objectively, it is akin to getting a prescription from a doctor and telling the pharmacist to only give you part of it. Most families assume that with fewer hours per week, their child will still progress and learn new skills but at a slower pace. Unfortunately, this is not necessarily the case.

 

It is true that ABA therapy is unique in its intensity, but this is a core component of why ABA is so effective. ABA is effective at helping a child catch up to and develop alongside their chronological age when the recommendation for frequency and intensity of services is adhered to. There are decades of research to support the efficacy of ABA at teaching the skills necessary for communication, social interactions and self-management. In a recent research study which included 1,468 children with autism ranging in age from 18 months to 12 years old, treatment intensity and duration were both significant predictors of mastering learning objectives and goals across eight domains of functioning (academic, adaptive, cognitive, executive function, language, motor, play and social). Similar findings have been reported from other researchers over the decades. Overall, studies have strongly indicated that treatment intensity has significant positive effects on individual progress and the acquisition of skills.

 

Intensity or “dosage” of treatment will vary by client and should always be individualized to the child’s needs and goals. Generally, for children under the age of 5, more intensive hours are recommended to capitalize on the intensive brain growth during the first 5 years of age and to stimulate a child’s brain before children enter Kindergarten. Once a child is engaged in learning at school at least 3 hours per day, treatment recommendations generally include 15-20 hours per week. Again, recommendations for intensity and duration of intervention should always be based on a detailed assessment of your child’s needs, level of functioning compared to other children of their current age, and your child’s individual goals.

 

It’s very important that parents and caregivers of young children with autism spectrum disorder understand that ABA is the gold standard of treatment but is only most effective when the program recommendations are adhered to entirely. The structure and design of an ABA program is essential to its outcomes. While it is understandable that parents are trying to do their best to meet the demands of their family’s schedule, it is vital to consider the research when making decisions regarding how to prioritize interventions. Finding that extra time every week to ensure that your child is receiving their recommended amount of ABA can make a huge difference in their life and yours.

 

The September 26th Project: Safety Preparedness for Families with Autism

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Kelly McKinnon-Bermingham who has been working in the field of autism for 27 years, and is a published author joins us to discuss the work of the September 26th Project which she co-chaired.

The September 26th was created to honor the lives of a family that was tragically lost in a home fire. By providing safety awareness and preparedness resources for families the mission of this initiative is to review their safety plans every year on September 26th and use their checklists to be prepared. Kelly also commented on the importance of caregivers to support safety preparedness and awareness. As she said, “If a child can’t get out of the house in the event of a fire, were the other goals addressed important?”

For More Information:

Visit their website: https://www.september26.org/

Download the Fire safety check-list

Download the Natural disaster checklist

Download the Wondering prevention checklist

Download American Red Cross Emergency apps here

All Autism Talk (allautismtalk.com) is sponsored by LEARN Behavioral (learnbehavioral.com).

Neurodiversity: What It Means, Why It Matters

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BY RONIT MOLKO, PH.D., BCBA-D
STRATEGIC ADVISOR, LEARN BEHAVIORAL

If there is one enduring hallmark of the American experience, it’s the immense diversity found within our expansive borders. Most of the time, we perceive diversity via differences in skin color, language, clothing, places of worship, or even the foods people eat when gathered around the table with their families. There is, however, one major aspect of diversity that is often overlooked—one that comes as no surprise, considering it cannot be detected solely through visual means. I am, of course, referring to neurodiversity.

Coined in the late 1990s by sociologist Judy Singer—who is on the autism spectrum—neurodiversity is a viewpoint that characterizes brain differences among individuals as normal, rather than as a disability. This viewpoint reduces stigmas around learning and thinking differences, while calling attention to the ability of neurodivergent communities to benefit from multiple perspectives and make greater contributions to society. Central to the movement is a rejection of the idea that these unique individuals need to be cured or fixed. Instead, it’s held that people possessing different types of brains need to be embraced and provided support systems that allow them to participate and contribute as members of the community to the best of their ability.

Grounded in Science

Unsurprisingly, the foundations of this not so new movement are grounded firmly in science and empirical study. By leveraging MRI results from hundreds of individuals, researchers have been able to compare the brains of people diagnosed with learning differences to their counterparts. So far, studies have shown that the brains of neurodivergent individuals are, in fact, unique. For example, the part of the brain that maintains language processing works differently for people diagnosed with dyslexia. Additionally, the prefrontal cortex, which manages executive functioning and attention, develops much slower in children diagnosed with ADHD. In other words, these individuals are not necessarily operating with a learning deficit but rather possess brains that are literally wired differently.

A Neurodiverse Population

Whether a group of kids recently diagnosed with autism or adults still grappling with ADHD or dyslexia, the American neurodiverse population is quite substantial. According to a 2021 report from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, one in every 44 children in the United States is diagnosed with some sort of autism spectrum disorder, and an estimated 5.4 million adults—or roughly 2.2 percent of the entire population—fall somewhere along the spectrum. Many people on the spectrum have contributed (or still do) to their communities every day, such as Albert Einstein, Anthony Hopkins, Henry Cavendish, Greta Thunberg, Jerry Seinfeld, and Elon Musk. They have been among the world’s highest achievers, impacting the arts, sciences, technological innovation, and activism.

In much the same way as the neurotypical population, the neurodivergent population is broad, diverse, and multidimensional. It’s crucial, then, for the public not only to embrace their different brethren but also to actively promote opportunities for them both in society and in the workplace at all abilities and levels.

Fortunately for society writ-large, corporate America is starting to take notice. A recent article published in the Harvard Business Review named neurodiversity as a bona fide “competitive advantage,” noting the unique and, often, incomparable output provided by atypical members of their workforce. Numerous companies, including Hewlett-Packard, Enterprise, Microsoft, SAP, and Ford, have recently begun to reform their HR practices in an effort to expand neurodiversity in their ranks by identifying, hiring, and empowering these unique individuals. The results, so far, have been outstanding, with managers noting legitimate “productivity gains, quality improvements, boosts in innovative capabilities, and broad increases in employee engagement.”

Diversity of all kinds, including neurodiversity, strengthens our daily institutions. Just as we are seeing a focus on diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) in employment and other areas of life and commerce, we must also remember that recognizing and celebrating differences, promoting justice and fairness, and ensuring true support and inclusion applies not only to people with observable differences but also to our neurodiverse populations. Not all cognitive differences are visible, and it’s crucial to keep in mind that there’s more than meets the eye when it comes to true diversity.

In another blog post, Dr. Molko explains the history and evolution of applied behavior analysis (ABA) therapy. Read the story.

6 Calming Activities for the Hectic Holiday Season

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Navigating the world of autism can be especially hectic during the holidays. While you juggle your to-do list, you may also be wondering how in the world to make this the most wonderful time of the year for your special-needs child. Sometimes, that magic is hard to create. Sometimes, it’s downright impossible.

But that’s all right. Take it from moms who have been through it. There are practical ways to handle the parts of the holidays that could lead to sensory overload for your child. Enjoying the holidays with a child on the autism spectrum starts with having a plan. You need real-world solutions. Here are some practical calming activities that may work for you.


1. Pack a bag of tools and toys.

 The first activity is up to you. In the scouting spirit of “be prepared,” come up with your emergency kit you can take with you. Think of it as your bag of tricks. It’s not just a big purse full of random items. It requires thinking about what you really need to have on hand to soothe or occupy your child’s attention. Some people call it a calm-down kit.

 In her blog, Word to Your Mother, Heather Burnett says the first time her son, who has autism, had a meltdown in public, she also melted down.

 “Nobody told me what to have on hand that may help,” she wrote, “and nobody offered us a helping hand the first time we experienced a public meltdown. I felt hopeless and angry — and entirely out of control.”

 She found nothing in her purse to distract her son, but the experience made her change what she carried with her. She discovered certain toys or food were good to have on hand in case of a meltdown. Kits might include noise-canceling headphones, crunchy snacks, fidget toys, or bubbles.

 “I’m not going to lie to you and say all of these items will work,” Burnett writes, “but they are worth trying.”

 

2. Give your child a blanket, a book, and a quiet space.

 In Chattanooga, Tenn., Bria Jones knows when her toddler daughter, who is on the autism spectrum, needs a calming distraction, a comforting object or quiet time might help. Jones’s bag for her daughter, Anavi, includes a maroon throw blanket that Anavi loves.

 Anavi can’t verbalize what she wants, so Jones tries to anticipate her needs. Sometimes, Anavi is just hungry, thirsty, needs a diaper change or a nap. Sometimes, it takes a little more to calm her. Jones knows Anavi likes it when she rubs her feet. Sometimes, she just needs quiet, maybe a board book, and a few minutes left alone. Often, that’s enough to soothe her.

 Jones doesn’t claim to have the answers about avoiding meltdowns. She is learning as she goes. Her daughter is in a therapy program, and Jones seeks support from other moms of kids on the spectrum.

 “I don’t know it all,” she says. “I just knew my daughter was different.” And she’s learning a new way of parenting to meet her needs.

 

3. Take a bath, a walk, or make Play-Doh animals.

 Alix Strickland, an applied behavior specialist and founder of the Le Chemin ABA Learning House in Paris, France, says in addition to a calm-down kit, calming activities can help kids feel better as well. Depending on the age, she recommends drinking a glass of water, going for a walk, taking a nap, or taking a bath.

 Each of those things can distract your child, change the situation, and remind them of a familiar routine that they may crave. Preschoolers might like animal Play-Doh mats, Strickland says in her blog. She creates zoo-themed mats that have pictures of animals. She says parents can teach their kids how to roll noses or other shapes and put them on the mat. The sensory activity is something many of her students love.

 

4. Give your pre-teen an exit strategy.

 For older kids, a good calming activity may be coming up with a “secret code” that lets you know your child wants to leave a social situation.

 “Your kid may be eager to participate in social situations (like a birthday party) but feel anxious about what to do if it gets too overwhelming,” blogger Clara Muriel writes in Very Special Tales, a blog about parenting kids with special needs. “You can agree, for example, on a short-time attendance, a ‘secret code’ to let you know your kid wants to leave or agree on a phone call to be picked up.”

 Kids aren’t always sure how new situations will work and what rules apply when they don’t have a clear routine in place, Muriel writes. So, teaching them how to plan for a social situation by giving them an exit strategy may give them some control over the situation, she says, and make an outing a success.

 

5. Try yoga, martial arts, archery or horseback riding.

 Shelley Brewer, the blogger behind STEAM Powered Family, found plenty of calming activity ideas when her kids were young, but as her boys got older, she had to come up with her own. While she still finds things such as stress balls and essential oils useful as calming tools, she’s looked to other things to meet sensory needs for older children, tweens, teenagers, and adults.

 She says just a few minutes of yoga a day can make a difference, while something like martial arts can build strength, routine, and calmness. She has also tried activities that build body awareness, such as archery, or activities that have lots of sensory inputs, like horseback riding.

 “In the end it’s about finding what is right for each individual,” she writes, “and sometimes, that involves lots of trial and error. Also, what doesn’t work at one age, may be a great fit at a different age.”

 

6. Download a meditation app.

 No matter your child’s age, meditation apps developed for different age groups may be a solution for times that call for a little calm. Some teach kids specific relaxation techniques, like the cartoon-based Chill Outz, an app for kids as young as 3 and up. The characters in this app tell stories and teach kids how to relax by humming, focusing on breathing, relaxing tense muscles, or getting ready for bed.

 Other apps, like MindShift, can bring anxiety relief for pre-teens or even adults. It’s meant to develop helpful ways of thinking about things such as sleep, riding out intense emotions, dealing with social anxiety, worry, panic, or conflict.

 Another, Headspace, offers guided mediation and mindfulness for a range of ages. It focuses on improving focus, exercising mindful awareness, and reducing stress. You can find each of these apps in the App Store, where you can read more about them and follow the steps to download and use them.

 

Experiment to find what works for you and your child.

 There’s no magic wand for making your holidays especially magical. Whether you try sensory toys, yoga, or meditation apps, experimentation may offer a solution for your situation. Not every strategy will work for every child.

 Calming activities that worked for the moms in this blog have something in common – they’re all practical ways to help kids relax and unwind. Whether you’re in the toddler stages of the autism journey or raising young adults, what works for you one day may be different than the next. Trying activities like these may give you a better sense of what will calm your child — and yourself.

Learn more about making the holidays successful for kids on the autism spectrum.

Creating a Successful Holiday for Children with Autism

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All Autism Talk hosts Kathrine Johnson and Richie Ploesch, sit down to discuss strategies and tips to support a happy, safe, and fun holiday experience for children with autism. As Katherine shared, “When kids know what to expect, it can really help them regulate… and leaving space to let them have a choice and downtime can really help”.

For more helpful family tips all year round visit:
https://www.learnbehavioral.com/parentresources
https://www.facebook.com/learnbehavioral
https://www.youtube.com/c/Autismtherapies

Interested in ABA services for your child? Contact Us: https://lrnbvr.com/contact
Interested in a career in the ABA field? Apply Now: https://lrnbvr.com/apply-now
All Autism Talk (allautismtalk.com) is sponsored by LEARN Behavioral (learnbehavioral.com).

6 Ways to Celebrate the Winter Solstice

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Winter solstice, the day “the sun stands still,” marks the longest night and shortest day of the year. It’s the day with the least amount of sunlight, and it’s the day when the North Pole is tilted farthest from the sun. For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, winter solstice falls on Dec. 21, the official start of winter.

Just the idea of so much darkness may make you want to stay inside and hibernate. But around the world, it’s a day crowds go outside to celebrate the “turning of the sun.” Many see the winter solstice as a day of rebirth or a celebration of light, as British author Susan Cooper captures in her poem “The Shortest Day”:

And so the Shortest Day came and the year died
And everywhere down the centuries of the snow-white world
Came people singing, dancing,
To drive the dark away.
They lighted candles in the winter trees;
They hung their homes with evergreen;
They burned beseeching fires all night long
To keep the year alive.

EMBRACING TRADITIONS

For centuries, cultures around the globe have turned winter solstice into a time of celebration. Some use this time as a countdown to Christmas. Some bring their own light to the night, with fires, candles, and music. Others look to the day as the end of darkness and the start of the new year, when days will begin to have longer periods of sunlight.

If you’re looking to start a holiday tradition with your kids, the winter solstice has many teachable moments. Whether you want your kids to learn about the tilt of the sun, the theme of death and rebirth, or about how Stonehenge is aligned to the sunset on the winter solstice, this day offers a lot to explore.

Families and kids of all temperaments, interests, and abilities can share in the spirit. While the holidays can bring stressors for families with children on the autism spectrum, you can get the whole family involved in traditions that bring joy. Here are some ways you can make winter solstice traditions your own:

1. MEASURE THE DAYLIGHT

 Winter solstice can be a reminder of our connection to the natural world. This is a good time to get in touch with nature’s cycles. The solstice doesn’t have to be a bleak reminder of darkness. Entire festivals revolve around celebrating it as the day the sun begins to return to us.

 Take your kids outside and look at the sky. You don’t have to wait until the solstice to start recording sunset times. You can graph these and calculate the total sunlight for each day. When the graph is complete, you can ask your kids if they can see whether the days are getting longer or shorter. The winter solstice has about half the daylight as the summer solstice. Where does your city stack up in terms of hours of sunlight?

2. MAKE A WREATH

 Some holiday traditions, such as hanging mistletoe and wreaths, have roots in pagan solstice rituals. Even if you aren’t religious, you can make a connection to nature.

Go outside and collect holly, ivy, evergreen boughs, and pinecones. These are meant to symbolize everlasting life, protection, and prosperity. You can use them to decorate a table or mantle or make a wreath. Your treasures could even become gifts for loved ones.

3. PREPARE A FEAST

One tradition that overlaps many cultures is to celebrate the solstice with a winter feast. Since the winter solstice falls at the end of the harvest season, families have long celebrated with an abundance of in-season food. Get the kids involved in the kitchen by letting them help prepare the family meal.

The recipes you prepare could become family traditions by themselves. Maybe it’s grandma’s mashed potatoes or aunt Rachel’s perfect pumpkin pie. Getting ready for the feast could become as much of a tradition as the meal itself.

4. DINE BY CANDLELIGHT

You can create your own festival of light. Bring some light into the darkest night of the year by lighting candles. You can make it a ritual by adding another step.

The extra step could be coming up with something to say as you light your candle. Get everyone involved by making resolutions and saying them out loud as you light a candle. Your intention could be something as simple as a wish you want to come true in the new year. Then try dining by candlelight.

5. BURN A YULE LOG

 Lighting a “Yule log” fire is a Nordic tradition that goes back before medieval times. During the longest nights of the year, they would decorate and hoist a large log (sometimes a whole tree) into the room and feed a fire through the 12 days of Christmas. Those who helped were said to bring good luck into the new year. Your “Yuletide” tradition doesn’t have to involve dragging in an entire tree. Your tradition could be having a bonfire in the backyard or placing a log in your fireplace as you tell the Yule log story of days of yore.

6. CELEBRATE THE LIGHTS

 If you’re ambitious and outdoorsy, you can take the opportunity to walk around and see the holiday lights decorating your area. Or you can pile in the car and go on a drive to see the best light displays in the city.

 Embracing ways to celebrate light can bring joy to the season. A short car ride to a holiday display could be the right amount of time to feel festive, without feeling overwhelmed.

No matter how you celebrate the solstice, use it as a way to replace winter doldrums with a sense of renewal. The winter solstice may signify the day the sun rises lowest in the sky, but it’s also the day before we start growing closer to days of more light.

Looking for other fun holiday traditions and activities to try with your child? Learn about holiday gifts you can make with your child.

Make the Holidays Successful for Kids on the Autism Spectrum

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It’s beginning to look a lot like that time of year when your list of things stressing you out is as long as your shopping list.

Keeping the magic alive during the holidays for families living on the spectrum may mean taking extra time to look at the season through your child’s eyes. Maybe your notions of holidays past belong in the past because those traditions no longer work.

For families dealing with autism, the key to a successful holiday season may lie in your ability to adapt to what works now, even if it’s unlike the holidays of your youth.

1. Talk to your family about what to expect.

Not everyone knows what it’s like to face the holidays when you have kids on the spectrum. When Holly Bird’s grandson was a toddler, her extended family just kept saying her grandson was in his “terrible twos” when he would act out. Her grandson wasn’t diagnosed with autism until he was four. But it was clear from his early days that he would not experience the holidays like the rest of the family, she says.

 “It took us a while to get the rest of the family to understand,” says Bird, a retired health counselor in Arizona who writes a blog about her family’s adventures. Her family advised her to utilize disciplinary tactics like “time out” to get her grandson to listen, Bird shares.

 It took some communication to get everyone on the same page about how to make holidays successful for the entire family.

“The biggest thing we try to do for the holidays is to make sure the family knows that when we’re together as a family, it isn’t all about the child with autism” and the whole family responding to the child’s behavior, she says. “It’s all of us being calm and …  him just being able to do what he regularly does” in his normal routine.

Bird communicates with family members who are coming in from out of town with a phone call, email, or text message to let them know how they can adjust for her grandson’s special needs.

Katie Koole-McCurdy, a Michigan mom who has two boys on the autism spectrum, started writing about life on the spectrum while preparing for a family reunion several years ago. She experienced the same feeling about needing to communicate what was happening.

Her oldest was three at the time and had sensory issues and needs beyond what her family had experienced.

“I was like: I’m going to go to this family reunion. I’m going to get all these questions, or they’re going to judge that my kid is acting very differently than what is typical,” Koole-McCurdy says. “I have no shame in this. I’d rather just explain to everyone what’s going on.”

Seven years later, she still runs The Maseman, “the musings of two normal parents to two normal boys. Because normal is relative.”

2. Change your own expectations.

Successfully handling holidays can start with changing your own expectations of what the holidays should be, Koole-McCurdy says.

“Sometimes, you have to say no to things, and it’s hard,” she says. Sometimes, when she knows they’re invited to a house with 30 people where her boys are going to be expected not to touch anything, it might not go well. So, she might opt out.

“I can’t expect my kids to do things that they’re not able to do,” she says.

Bird knows the struggle.

“It is hard,” Bird says, “because people’s expectations of the holidays have been pounded into our heads for so many years.” Families coping with autism can’t do things the way things have always been done, she says. And that’s OK.

3. Choose the traditions you want to keep.

Expectations also include knowing what’s important to you as a parent, Koole-McCurdy says. She wanted her children to be able to enjoy some of the same family traditions she enjoyed as a child. She had to take time to process and figure out which traditions would work for her kids.

Before kids, she thought she couldn’t wait to try the Elf on the Shelf® tradition of setting a magical elf around the house. After having two boys with autism, she realized that was something they wouldn’t understand.

But she discovered her 10-year-old loves helping to put up the Christmas tree.

“So, we make that time a really special time,” she says. “It’s not something for me that I really cared about as a kid. It wasn’t a big tradition. But my one son really likes that.”

4. Don’t force-feed holiday foods.

Sometimes, Bird’s family orders pizza for the kids’ table to remove some of the stress that comes with family dinners. Her grandson is partial to simple foods, so they don’t make a big deal about it.

“If he eats chicken nuggets for dinner, he’s going to have chicken nuggets for dinner on Thanksgiving night,” she says. “We’re not going to force him to eat something because Aunt Sally brought it and it’s everybody’s favorite dessert and he has to try it. He’s not going to try it. It’s no different than a regular day. He just knows there’s more people around, there’s more noise, and there’s more aggravation.”

5. Have a settle-down spot.

Bird noticed that in her grandson’s school, kids with autism gravitated toward beanbag chairs that were set up in spaces made to help kids calm themselves.

“We’ve started doing that at home,” Bird says, “where there’s an area where if my grandson or one of the other kids feels that they’re angry, they can go sit there and think about it. There’s no tablets, no nothing. They can just sit there and then come talk to me about it. As parents and grandparents, if we could listen more with our eyes and pay attention to what the children are trying to say to us, it would be easier for all of us.”

6. Keep something tangible on-hand for your child.

For Koole-McCurdy, a go-to item such as a push-pop sensory fidget toy for her younger son is a good distraction. For her older son, who’s less verbal, she brings an iPad.

Before she was a mom, she might have thought letting a child use an iPad at a party would be rude. She’s let that mindset go.

“I have to understand where my son is at,” she says. “He doesn’t have back-and-forth communication skills. For him to go to a setting with a lot of people, he’s not going to converse. It would be so unrealistic for me to have an expectation that you have to sit here and act a certain way when you don’t have the skills to be able to do that.”

7. Be mindful of noises.

Sometimes even the sound of unwrapping gifts can be annoying for a child with autism.

Bird recommends games such as seeing who can unwrap presents the quietest. She also tries to help her grandson understand that loud noises usually do not last a long time. And she knows when it’s time to get the headphones out and let her grandson block the noises.

“If it’s in the middle of dinner, give them their headphones,” she says. “Make it a great day for everybody. Don’t worry about what your family is thinking. Worry about when everybody leaves, and you walk out that door from the holiday, that you guys have had a great day.”

8. Don’t forget to count your blessings.

So much about making holidays successful is meeting kids where they’re at and starting things small, Koole-McCurdy says.

She doesn’t force her kids to do things they don’t like. She gives them breaks. She gets behind the things they love, like decorations. And she finds things in the community, such as a lights and decorations display they can see from inside their car. She sets an appointment to see the Sensory Santa at the mall and adapts holiday traditions to her family’s needs.

“What’s best for our family is that we’re all in a happy place,” she says.

 Flexibility and patience are good gifts to have for yourself, Bird says. They help reveal what the holidays are all about.

“Don’t worry about spending money,” Bird says. “Don’t worry about anything. Just remember that you’re fortunate. We’re blessed to have the holiday and to have these kids in our lives. Because, you know, they’re pretty special. They really are.”

To find traditions that may work for your family, consider something tangible. Browse ideas in “Holiday Crafts to Make with Your Child” and “Making Holiday Baking a Success.”