3 Tips for Making Valentine’s Day Special for Your Autistic Child


As store shelves turn to masses of pink and red, some people get excited and others groan. Valentine’s Day, with all of its joy and complexities, is around the corner. Although love and social connection are important to everyone, Valentine’s Day can be tricky to navigate for many people, including some of our autistic loved ones. Different ages bring different challenges: from the drama of classroom valentine exchanges to the heart-stopping anxiety of having a date. Wherever your child may fall on this continuum of V-Day Life Lessons, a few considerations can help them feel cherished on this day. 

Prepare

Consider the potential challenges that your child might encounter that could be helped by some advance skill-building. Think carefully about what your child will encounter that day and what easily-acquired skills might help them enjoy the day more. A younger child whose class is exchanging valentines might benefit from practice; find out how the teacher will approach this (will the kids deposit them into a box or hand them out individually?) and rehearse in advance. A teen attending a dance might benefit from a social story about what to expect, previewing conversation starters, and maybe watching some realistic shows depicting teen dances to help set expectations. If anxiety is a factor (as it can be with anyone of any age!), make sure there is an easy way for them to contact you for an early pick-up. For safety, teens and young adults who are dating should have information about consent and sexual harassment at a level they can understand. Learning about good hygiene practices, manners, and general dating “dos and don’ts” can help to set them up for success.    

Accommodate

There will also be challenges on Valentine’s Day that can’t be solved by skill-building. Consider your child’s experience and be creative about the types of accommodations that might help them enjoy the day the most. If your child is on a special diet, find out if there will be school treats so you can arrange for something yummy for your little one. Some children will not enjoy the “typical” Valentine’s Day activities. Remember, it’s once a year, don’t stress over making them go to a class party they won’t enjoy. There may be accommodations that can help make regular activities okay (headphones), or you can simply ditch the regular valentines’ stuff and think of some fun alternatives instead. Perhaps instead of going to the dance, they can rather invite a friend over to bake brownies or watch a movie with their sibling.    

Love

Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to show others how much you care. As a parent or caregiver, showing affection for our children is one of the most fulfilling experiences. Think about your child’s preferences and give them a token of your love, whether that be treats, attention, a new Lego set, or a special rock. Giving them choices in preparing for the day (e.g., picking out valentines, choosing a special dessert, etc.), thinking about how to include their preferred interests in your plans, and making plans to accommodate sensory needs can communicate your love and respect.    

Some profoundly affected autistic folks will not be affected by the fact the world has turned pink and red; they may not understand or care. But this doesn’t prevent them from receiving your love and affection in the ways they do the rest of the year, so take the opportunity to connect with them on their level. Many autistic folks tend to anthropomorphize; if there are things (e.g., trains, books, electronic devices, etc.) that are the object of your child’s affection, think about how to celebrate these objects that give your child joy. 

For those autistic children who understand the social nuances of Valentine’s Day, it can create pressure around feelings of popularity and acceptance. If your child is experiencing these common hardships, do your best to shift the emphasis away from romantic love and toward other satisfying relationships in your child’s life. For some, that may be a friend, or for others, it may be family. Reassurance that they are accepted at home and loved unconditionally is paramount. 

Have Happy Valentine’s Day!

Last but not least: show yourself some love as well. Parenting isn’t easy and requires many qualities, including patience, empathy, and, most importantly, love. The love we give our children isn’t always returned in the moment, making it hard sometimes to reflect on all the wonderful things you do for your child. Remember, you’re raising a human, which is stressful yet important and incredible work. As you nurture your relationship with your child, you build their capacity to love and show love to others. This Valentine’s Day, take some credit for all you do for your child in the name of love and find a way to treat yourself, whether that means setting aside time to read or exercise, getting an extra hour of sleep, or calling a friend. You deserve just as much love on this special day.    

For research-backed strategies on managing stress, check out “How Parents and Caregivers of Kids with Autism Cope with Stress.” To dive deeper into the topic of love and autism, learn more at “Myth: People with Autism Don’t Feel Love.”

How to Select Appropriate Gifts for Kids with Special Needs

Buying the perfect gift for kids and other loved ones can be challenging, and this can also be true when buying gifts for kids with autism. To help make your gift-giving easier, here are a few helpful tips to keep in mind when purchasing gifts for individuals with autism:

 

Focus on the person’s interests and preferences

Research shows that incorporating preferences into the learning and play environment of individuals with autism, can reduce behaviors and can increase certain skills (1). So we can capitalize on what someone already likes! For example, if a child likes dogs, find games, activities, or toys that are dog-related. If a child likes swimming, activities involving water play may be a hit (e.g., water tables, sprinkler toys, water beads, grow capsules). Alternatively, if a child is sensitive to loud noises, a toy fire truck with a siren may not be appropriate. Ask friends and family of the person for whom you are buying the gift what that person generally likes and/or dislikes.

 

Focus on age-appropriateness

Although keeping a person’s preferences in mind when shopping for gifts is a great start, always consider the age-appropriateness of the gift in mind. For instance, a teen with autism may love playing with shape sorters, but considering that he is a teen and the toy is meant for toddlers, there are more appropriate toys with which he could play. Try finding gifts that have similarities to the original toy, but have age recommendations that correspond to the age of the individual for whom you are buying the gift. For example, rather than buying a new shape sorter for the teen, a more appropriate gift might be Jenga or a piggy bank. In Jenga, stacking wooden blocks in a pattern and pushing wooden blocks out of a block tower is a similar activity to pushing shapes through a shape sorter. Additionally, dropping coins into a piggy bank slot is a similar activity to pushing shapes through a shape sorter. Both of the aforementioned activities could serve as a more appropriate replacement for the shape sorter.

 

Focus on developmental-appropriateness

Many toys come with age recommendations, and while these recommendations are helpful, they might not always lead you to the perfect gift. A rule of thumb when purchasing a gift is to consider both the age and the development of the person for whom you are buying a gift. For example, the game “Apples to Apples” would not be developmentally appropriate for a non-verbal teen, even if it is an age-appropriate game. When looking for the right gift, focus on what the person can do. For instance, if the non-verbal teen mentioned above is great at drawing, then a sketch pad or an adult coloring book could be a more appropriate gift. If you are unsure what the person can do, ask friends and family of the person for whom you are buying the gift what skills that person has mastered.

Note: Be sensitive to how family and friends of a person with autism may feel when being asked questions about the skills of their loved one. If asking questions, always frame your questions from the perspective of accomplishment (e.g., what skills have they mastered) and not deficit (e.g., in what areas are they delayed) to be supportive and respectful of the individual’s growth and development.

 

Be mindful of behavior excesses/triggers

Some individuals with autism engage in behaviors that put them or their loved ones at risk of harm. For example, if a child engages in pica (e.g., eating of nonfood items), gifts containing small objects may pose as a choking hazard. For example, if a child engages in aggression towards others, gifts with violent content may not be appropriate, as additional exposure to violence may contribute to future instances of aggression. Alternatively, individuals with sensory-seeking behaviors may benefit from gifts that redirect their behaviors in more appropriate ways. For example, if a child rocks back and forth, a swing may be a great way to meet their sensory need. Additionally, certain objects can trigger behaviors in some individuals with autism (e.g., loud noises, highly preferred items, phobias, etc.). Ask friends and family of the person for whom you are buying the gift if there are any behavior excesses/triggers to consider before purchasing a gift.

 

Focus on toys that encourage interaction with others

Social deficits are a defining characteristic of autism, which means that when gift-giving, try to purchase gifts that encourage social interaction. While almost any activity can be turned into a social interaction, certain activities may be more conducive to social interactions than others. For example, instead of buying a computer game, consider the game Bop It, which is an electronic game that can be played in a group.

 

Focus on expanding their repertoire

Individuals with autism sometimes have restricted or limited interests (e.g., a person only wants to talk about trucks or only wants to play with dinosaurs). In order to help expand their repertoire, try finding activities that are new, but similar to current interests. For example, if a child’s favorite activity is playing with PlayDoh, kinetic sand or slime may be an appropriate gift to help expand their repertoire because it is similar to their current interest, but slightly different. Ultimately, gifts that will provide them with new experiences may act as potential new reinforcers (e.g., stimuli that increase behaviors), and may significantly enrich their learning environment.

 

Recommendations

Stores: Lakeshore Learning Center, Autism-Products.com, NationalAutismResources.com, Target, Kohl’s, Amazon, WalMart, iTunes (for apps)

Brands: Melissa and Doug, Fat Brain Toys

Apps: Proloquo2Go, Avaz Pro, Life360 (Find my family, friends, phone), Choiceworks

 

– Brittany Barger, M.Ed., BCBA

 

 

Resources

Increasing Task Engagement Using Preference or Choice-Making
Some Behavioral and Methodological Factors Affecting Their Efficacy as Classroom Interventions

Preparing for Holiday Meals

The holidays are quickly approaching, which means family, festivities, and food! While the holidays can be fun for the whole family, they can also be a stressful time for children on the autism spectrum due to the changes in typical routines and settings. Holiday meals with extended family can present issues for a child with autism, including trying new foods, sitting among loud family members, and being in an unfamiliar location. Here are some helpful tips to make the holiday experience more enjoyable for the whole family.

Prepare your child for the event.
Use photos, a social story, or show them a video, modeling what will be expected of them. Will they need to sit at a communal table surrounded by family? Will they be expected to try new foods? How about preparing your child for the family members who will be present? You can practice with role play at home with real or fake food so your child is familiar with the expectation of the meal. To make it easier this time of year, you can also bring some favorite foods along that you know will be successful.

Support them during the event.
Bring activities and toys so your child has something to do while waiting for the meal to begin. If your child is very picky with food, bring some preferred alternatives that they will eat so they don’t become agitated while waiting and to remind your child of familiar food routines.

Give them a chance to escape if they need it.
If your child becomes overstimulated by loud noises or holiday lights and decorations, find a quiet place in the home for them to decompress and take a break. Your child can rejoin the family once he or she feels comfortable doing so.

While holiday meals can be stressful, hopefully these tips will help keep everyone’s spirits bright!

 

– Sarah Low, M.A., BCBA